Man: Hi, do you want to dance?
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Woman: Yeah, sure!
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Man: Great, go and dance, I want to talk to your pretty friend!

A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.

“That won’t help you, Joe, you know?”

“Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”

“Grandpa, why don’t you have any life insurance?”

“So you can all be really sad when I die.”

Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!

Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.

Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

“Oh welcome home darling,” he says, “your parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello.”

I’ve just been to the drugstore and saw that they’re selling lemon-scented intimate deodorants.

Yeah, this really makes sense actually because lemon goes very well with fish.

Web site log in: Sorry, your password 257EeffQ@# is not secure enough.
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Cash machine login 1234: Here’s your 1000 dollars.

Wow you look great! Did you lose weight?”
–
“Hey – did you just call me ugly and fat in retrospect?!”

You know you’re ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.

An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:

“Don’t be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family.”

A question on an internet forum:

Q: Please help, I have this great itching between my toes.

A: Well, that depends. If the itching is between all toes, consult a dermatologist. If the itching bothers you only between your two big toes, consult a gynecologist.