Harry was thrilled. After seeing a psychologist for over three years, he was finally pronounced free to go.

“Wow this is so exciting you mean I am finally cured?!” Questioned Harry excitedly, “You mean I no longer have an inferiority complex!”

“Well” said the psychologist slowly, “to be perfectly honest with you I don’t think you ever had an inferiority complex. After much thought I have come to a conclusion. I think you really are inferior!”

Bob was in a terrible motorcycle accident and his legs weren’t in great shape, to say the least. After a couple of weeks of therapy, it soon became clear to the Doctor that they were just pushing off the inevitable. Due however, to Bob’s frail condition, the Doctor was afraid to give him the bad news. Instead, he gave the sorry job to Bob’s wife of 40 years, hoping that she would know how to break the bad news to him ever so slowly and gently.

“Honey”, said Bob’s wife Eva the next morning, “I’ve got good news and bad news, which one would you like to hear first?”

Bob, always in a morbid state, responded in his usual grumpy voice, “what do I care? Just give me the bad news!”

“Well dear,” said Eva cupping Bob’s hand with her two hands, “I hate to have to tell you this, but it seems like your legs are going to have to be taken off.”

Bob, barely able to hold his voice from cracking croaked out, “Eva, what’s the good news?”

“The good news” said Eva happily, “is that that the gardener that was in here just before, said he may be interested in buying your slippers from you!”

Money Problems Joke

John confided to a friend. “Mike, I’m in a terrible pickle! I’m strapped for cash and I haven’t the slightest idea where I’m going to get it from!”

“I’m glad to hear that” answered Mike. “I was afraid you might have an idea you could borrow it from me!”

“Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.”

~Paula Poundstone

Parenting

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

“It is a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they can be happy without money.”
Albert Camus

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.

“I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”

The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?” the victim cries.

“He says you’re gonna die.”

 “It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.”

– Family Guy

Anniversary

Bill’s second Anniversary was coming up and if there was one thing that got his wife Suzy upset, it was not getting a thoughtful gift on a special occasion. Bill quizzed all his friends, co workers, clients and anyone he happened to bump into, as to what would be a good anniversary present. He finally settled on a huge bouquet of flowers. Not willing to trust himself to pick out the right flowers, Bill called up a local flower shop with strict instructions to deliver the biggest most beautiful bouquet of flowers first thing in the morning with the following note “Happy Anniversary Year Number Two!”

The morning of the Anniversary Bill made sure Suzy would be the one to answer the door as he waited anxiously in the other room. “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ALL ABOUT?!” Hollered Suzie angrily holding up his well thought out note, “Happy Anniversary You’re Number Two!”

“It’s amazing. The moment you show cash, everyone knows your language.”

— Aravind Adiga