“Chase the vision, not the money, the money will end up following you.”
– Tony Hsieh, CEO Zappos
Enterprise
November 27, 2019 by
Jokes
November 26, 2019 by
The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.
“The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”
“What’s the good news?”
“Your cholesterol is 130.”
Humor
November 25, 2019 by
“How many times have you committed suicide?”
“Were you alone or by yourself?”
“Was it you or your brother who was killed?”
“Without saying anything, tell the jury what you did next.”
“Was that the same nose you broke as a child?”
“Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”
From The Dumb Book (Reader’s Digest Books)
Complement and Insult
November 24, 2019 by
It’s amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time.
Recently, when I greeted my coworker, she said, “You look so gorgeous, I didn’t recognize you.”
Elaine Schyve, Cohocton, New York
Job
November 23, 2019 by
I’ve been working on my PhD in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work.
As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get a job there.
Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think they’re looking for an engineer?”
“Oh, sure,” he said. “They’ll hire anybody.”
Christopher Fields, Fort Collins, Colorado
Good English
November 22, 2019 by
My ESL students try so hard and are so appreciative.
One student paid me the ultimate compliment when she said, “You teach English good.”
Another assured me, “I will always forget you.”
And a third insisted, “I thank you from the heart of my bottom.”
Ellen Israel, Alamo, California
Before google, there were librarians
November 21, 2019 by
Before google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries:
• A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.”
• “Who built the English Channel?”
• “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?”
• “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between a Shirley Temple doll and a teddy bear.”
• “Can the New York Public Library recommend a good forger?”
A trashy career
November 20, 2019 by
“Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” I asked my friend.
“He wants to be a garbageman,” he replied.
“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”
“Not really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.”
Confusing password
November 19, 2019 by
I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection.
The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.
We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work.
So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”
Husband
November 18, 2019 by
My husband talks in his sleep. Unfortunately, he also snores, so I sometimes give him the wifely elbow.
“What?!” he demanded one night, still mostly asleep.
“Turn over—you’re snoring,” I said.
He did as instructed and while doing so muttered, “That’s nothing; you should hear my wife snore.”
“Do not wait; the time will never be 'just right'. Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along.”
― Napoleon Hill