I learned about grief and bereavement when I took psychology courses during my undergraduate and masters. Theoretically, the features, cycle of grief and bereavement can be used as a reference and guidance if one wants to monitor grief and bereavement process (Refer to Kubler-Ross Grief cycle). However, going through the process is TOTALLY a different game. It is a roller coaster ride minus the exhilirating feeling. There is no “thrill” in grief and bereavement process.
My father passed away in 2009 and my mother passed away in 2017. I was in my second year of PhD when my father passed away. Upon receiving the news from my eldest sister that he was hospitalised (due to subdural hemorrhage), I went back immediately from the UK to Malaysia. Even though I went through an “episode” after I went back to the UK after a month in Malaysia, but with therapy sessions and whatsnot did help me to ease the “journey”.
When my mother passed away in 2017, I had the privilege to notice the gradual decline of her physical health. In fact, I slept with her a few hours before she passed away around 11am. I did not slept the whole night because I witnessed her inconsistent labored breath as she sweat profusely. Sometimes she appeared to be lucid but there were times when she spoke incoherently. At one point, she smiled as she pointed to something only she could see and said, “Who is that?”. I stared at the wall but couldn’t see anything. I felt goosebumps. At that time, there were my eldest brother, my mother and I at home. But knowing how my brother would react, I did not wake him up. Upon receiving a call from my eldest sister, only then he knew that my mother was in her final moment. He went in the bedroom for a while and said “Mak ok kan?” and left me alone with my mother. I was too numb to say anything back because I know I can only rely on Allah no matter what.
I let the rest of my siblings knew about her condition and kept them updated about her progress through WhatsApp. My eldest sis was in Desaru and she managed to arrive at home around 7am. My other sister who stayed nearby arrived a few minutes before Subh prayer. My other brother who lives in KL rushed back but arrived a few minutes after my mother passed away.
In both cases (my late father and mother), I could see the progression before they passed away, therefore I suppose I was better prepared to accept their passing. However, when I lost my eldest brother in early June (the brother that was at home when my mother was dying), I was unprepared because, unlike my parents, I had not seen his decline. Most of all, I would never think (and wish) that my family member would be discovered in the most unthinkable way like we might commonly hear from the news. In the news, it is frequent to hear about persons who died alone and were discovered in a “certain state”. We didn’t know exactly when he died until now. He was believed to have died three to four days before we found him.
Honestly, all of my siblings are affected by this incident in different way. For my eldest sister, she could not enter my late brother’s house without being accompanied by other (i.e. either me or her husband). It is understandable. After all, she was the first person to discover him. I could vividly remember her screaming hysterically calling her husband. When she saw me coming out from my room, she just screamed “Abang dah tak ada. Abang dah tak ada”. Even though my late brother was younger than her, the term Abang is used to refer him (almost exclusively).
That day, I got the flu. I had just taken some medication and was drowsy when I heard my sister cry, and at first I had no idea what she was saying. “Abang dah tak ada?”, but I did not ask further and wait for her to explain. I took the spare keys to his home and went to see him without thinking that he was not alive.
Even before I entered his house, I detected a “weird” odor. As I walked closer to his house, the smell became more distinct. When I opened the front door of his house, the smell was overwhelming. Fortunately, my nose was a bit blocked due to the flu, but I could still smell decaying flesh. I walked carefully approaching his body. I could see his physique, but I wondered, “Is it him?” I couldn’t recognize him. This wasn’t him. I was in denial. I spotted the old large scar on his back, and it wasn’t until then that I realized the body in front of me was his.