There are five stages of grief according to Kübler-Ross: 1) Shock and denial, 2) anger, 3) depression, 4) bargaining and 5) acceptance. In my case of experiences losses both of parents, I think that I did not experience the stages in a linear sequence. Since I could see the progress of physical decline, I was in a stage of acceptance first. This could be deeply ingrained in me as a Muslim in which death is a begin of another life (alam barzakh). I accept the fact that my parents began a new life readily.
When my dad passed away in 2009, I think I went straight to full blown of depression stage after acceptance stage. There was no time for me to feel shocked or anger nor did I had time to bargain about anything. There is simply no “What if?” that went through my mind. But I remember having the thoughts of quitting my PhD and feeling unworthy of having it as my other academic credential because my father was no longer here to see my achievement. Alhamdulillah I have wonderful friends who support me unconditionally. One of them said to me when I cried unconsolably while on the phone with my friend who was in Bristol, “Dijah, having a PhD is what you aimed for when you came here to study and I believe your dad was aware that why you are here instead in Malaysia. Don’t give up. It is not easy to go through what you are experiencing right now but promise me, that you will not give up no matter what. You still have your mother. You don’t want her to worry about you, right?“. Little did I know how my mother was deeply affected by the passing of my father. My siblings kept my mother’s sickness a secret from me, knowing how it would affect me. I only realized when I returned in 2011 how thin my mother had become. I was not aware about my mother’s condition even though I called home every weekend (this was before the advancement of face time through WhatsApp etc.).
When my mother passed away in 2017, I was feeling numb for months. At that time, I might having another episode of depression but with a year break from UTM in March 2018 when I went to school for Latihan Ikhtisas, I think how I underwent and experienced grief was different as compared to when my father passed away in 2009. A year at school gave me a time to reevaluate my values about life, my priorities and other things without being “bugged” with the “normal” 7P requirement. What I can say that after coming back from school, I have renewed my views on certain things.
Now, things are different. An older sibling who was unique due to what he had to go through in life which only Allah knoweth best. It is already the 10th week since we found him (as I was writing thing on 12 August 2024). After the initial shock, I think I move to the stage of acceptance. What has happened is already predestined and nothing that I can do to change it as a human. I have visited his grave twice so far. I have planted some plants and plan to trim the plants whenever is needed in the future.
Since nothing much needed to be done except his house, so we focus on renovating his house ASAP. When we started the renovation on the 3rd week after his passing, things became more bearable for us because his house started to look different. Minor renovation was done: repainting, changing old burned bulbs and curtains, extending the verandah and planting some flowers. No more visible nicotine stain on the wall, ceiling and floor that we can see. I took some chairs, a clock and stuff from my home to his house and upon seeing the transformation, my eldest sister said “Naik seri“. I can see that she is moving on as she can go to his house alone by herself now. My eldest sister plans to use the house for her mengaji (Quranic recitation) class. She organised a tahlil two weeks ago on Tuesday, 30 July 2024 (this was an “introduction” to her close cliques who still wondering about “the whole thing”). The next thing that I would do is to install cabinets under the sink and air conditioning.
Did I feel the same way when my father and mother died? Honestly, I think I was surprised by his condition when we found him. Who doesn’t? The fact that I had only slept a few hours per night for the past few days (since it happened) has made it difficult for me to think clearly for a few days. But at the time, I knew I needed to keep myself occupied. So I didn’t take any leave and continued to work as usual. I still remember what I learned in the therapy sessions that I had more than 10 years ago. Make a short list. Do not add anything new on the existing list while you are completing things that you have written before. Write the new thing on a different To-Do list (different day). Take a break and do not feel guilty about it. Celebrate a small accomplishment (do not wait to appreciate the success/ completion).
I think the Kübler-Ross grief cycle that I am going through right now: shock -> acceptance. I did not feel angry at myself or him even though my eldest sister kept reminding me that my brother and I had argument on the 4th day of Eid Fitr (The way I see it, he was not in his state of mind when he did what he did. Plain and simple). As his sibling, even though I feel sad for the loss but unlike my parents, I did not feel numb. Whenever I talk about him with my siblings or with one of his children, I feel a sense of relief. I know that he was no longer suffering from whatever he had to endure in this world. I just pray may Allah forgive his sins and shower him with His Mercy until the hereafter. There is no question of “What If” so I never thought of making any deals with Allah. There is no thought of “If I have this or that, I would do this and that”. Never. I know that as a Muslim, it is pointless to think about “What If” because with Allah’s will, things will happen no matter what we do or wish. It is a test for us to be receptive and open-minded about fate.
When my eldest sister asked me if I ever think about why my brother passed away that way, I told her that Allah knoweth best. We cannot make any speculation nor have the right to judge. After all, what we should do now as living siblings, we fulfill our duty as Muslims first. Pay his debt etc. Nothing else matters. For now.