Category Archives: Notes

Infidelity and Misplaced Blame in the Muslim Community

By Sh Omar Suleiman

The original article can be obtained here.

Infidelity is a major topic that too often, like many other embarrassing elements of our community, gets brushed under the rug. Imams routinely have to deal with couples, where one spouse is bei1ng unfaithful. I don’t believe that it’s a greater epidemic in the Muslim community than society at large, but it is probably almost just as bad.It is estimated that roughly 30% to 60% of all married individuals (in the United States) will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage (Buss & Shackelford 1997). Just like with any community, there are unique complications and considerations when dealing with an issue of this nature. In our community, we have the following :

A. As a defense mechanism, the cheating spouse will often talk his/her spouse down and belittle them in order to deflect from their own major sin while also gaining sympathy from the onlookers.

Under the influence of cultures that place unfair expectations and blame on the wife, many women are likely to be blamed for not keeping their husbands happy, even at times by their own families. This approach, of course, is completely devoid of any Islamic precedent or Prophetic tradition. The Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) never chastised the spouse of a adulterer for not doing enough to stop them from cheating.

According to John and Julie Gottman’s 40 years of marital research, there is one common denominator that tends to begin the cascade toward betrayal in a marriage: When one spouse attempts to connect with the other and the other spouse turns away from this while negatively comparing, this is the first step toward betrayal. A negative comparison sounds something like this, “Who needs this frustration? I could do so much better with someone else.” This type of belittling and justification, while imagining oneself as innocent, deteriorates trust and starts people on the downward spiral toward infidelity.

B. Often, men who are unfaithful will try to “right the wrong” by marrying the person they were unfaithful with, at times without even fulfilling the requirements of a marriage. This is where the all too common “secret” second wife comes into the picture.

Or many men ditch the first wife and make it seem like the woman they were cheating with just came into the picture. Alas, even the most practicing Muslims will forsake all principles and beliefs regarding Islamic marriage— holding weird Skype Nikahs — without the most basic conditions of a marriage contract being met. They will continue to beat up on the first spouse for “making them do it.” The very idea of a secret marriage defeats the purpose. The Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) taught us to publicize the marriage for so many different reasons. One of them is that the man with a secret second wife often may have seven or eight other “second wives.” In a very awkward scenario that I witnessed a few years ago, a brother in the community sought the help of an imam to pursue a sister who was secretly married to that very same imam.

In looking at the research, how many affairs become lasting relationships? Dr. Frank Pittman, an expert on treating affairs, found that the divorce rate of those who marry the person they were unfaithful with is 75%. What was the major reason for these divorces? A lack of trust. How can you trust someone who chose to be with you by cheating on someone they had previously committed to?

Can’t Cheat Allah

A piece of advice to the brothers and sisters who are cheating on their spouses: There is no justification for adultery, and victim shaming here won’t save you from being held accountable by Allah on the Day of Judgment. No human being will bear the burden of another on the Day of Judgment. Seeking validation from backward cultural elements or friends that are just as unfaithful as you won’t change the creed.

Allah says in the Qur’an in Surah Al-‘Isrā’ 17:32


And do not approach unlawful sexual intercourse. Indeed, it is ever an immorality and is evil as a way.

In an authentic Hadith, the Prophet of Allah ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said: “The one who cheats is not one of us.” (Sahih Muslim).

Nothing that started with the deception of Shaytan will suddenly gain the blessing of Allah. If you were unfaithful, you need to sincerely seek forgiveness from your Creator and the people you’ve hurt with your infidelity. You need to fully accept blame for your sin, and start taking the necessary steps to try to fix things.

Heard It Through the Grapevine- Churning the Rumor Mill

A piece of advice to people who immerse themselves in rumors, there is nothing more sacred than a chaste person’s dignity or honor. Yes, there are many that are guilty of the crimes above. But to wrongly accuse one person is enough of a sin in the hereafter to doom you. I’m all for transparency and calling out these social ills, but I reject falsely projecting them on people without proper evidence.

Too Close for Comfort

A piece of advice to those who are starting to get too close and comfy with another person at work or school. The adultery of the private parts is the most severe manifestation of it, but you may already be committing adultery with your tongues, eyes, and hands. Even if you’re not physically cheating yet, you may already be emotionally cheating on your spouse. Don’t walk the footsteps of shaytan to a place of no return. Cut it off before it goes any further.

According to Dr. Shirley Glass, the dynamics of emotional infidelity result in sexual relationships in 80% of cases. Substituting emotional intimacy, friendship and empathy with someone else other than your spouse is not a “platonic” relationship; it is seeking one of the most essential aspects of a marriage outside of it.

Graced By A Cold Shoulder

And most importantly, a piece of advice to those who have been cheated on by their spouses and unjustly blamed for not doing a good enough job to stop your spouse from cheating. It is not your fault that he/she couldn’t save themselves from their lowly desires. Allah will not punish you in the hereafter, even if society unjustly does in this world. Even if you have made mistakes, no mistake justifies your spouse making THAT mistake. Don’t internalize society’s backwardness or your spouse’s devilish taunts.

Rise above it all.

Thoughts for the day

Salam, Selamat Sejahtera and Eid Mubarak to all UTM staffs, 

So, to begin with our work after a long break, we would like to share a short story. Kindly read further :- 
A doctor,a lawyer, a little boy, and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute and yelled to the passengers that they better jump, and he himself bailed out. 
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. 
The doctor grabbed one and said, ” I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live”, and jumped out. 
The lawyer then said,”I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.” He also grabbed a parachute and jumped. 
The priest looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.” 
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest, ” Not to worry Father. The smartest man in the world just took off with my back pack”. 
MORAL : Your job doesn’t always define you, but being a Good Human being Does. 
We hope all of us can learn a lesson from this story. With that, thank you. 

Pegawai Integriti /Certified Integrity Officer (CeIO)
UTM Pejabat Penasihat Undang-Undang / UTM Chambers of The Legal Adviser
Sultan Ibrahim Chancellery Building
Universiti Teknologi Malaysia (UTM)
81310 UTM Skudai
Johor Darul Ta’zim

Primary Email  : 

Phone No        : 07 – 5330373

Integrity Enrichment – Disciplinary Action – Surcharge


وَلَقَدْ أَخَذْنَا آلَ فِرْعَونَ بِالسِّنِينَ وَنَقْصٍ مِّن الثَّمَرَاتِ لَعَلَّهُمْ يَذَّكَّرُونَ

 [الأعراف: 130]

Dan sesungguhnya Kami telah menimpakan Firaun dan kaumnya dengan musim kemarau dan kekurangan buah-buahan, supaya mereka mengambil pengajaran (insaf).

فَإِذَا جَاءتْهُمُ الْحَسَنَةُ قَالُواْ لَنَا هَـذِهِ وَإِن تُصِبْهُمْ سَيِّئَةٌ يَطَّيَّرُواْ بِمُوسَى وَمَن مَّعَهُ أَلا إِنَّمَا طَائِرُهُمْ عِندَ اللّهُ وَلَـكِنَّ أَكْثَرَهُمْ لاَ يَعْلَمُونَ

[الأعراف: 131]

Kemudian apabila datang kepada mereka kesenangan, mereka berkata, “Ini adalah hasil usaha kami”, dan jika mereka ditimpa kesusahan, mereka melemparkan sebab sial dan malang itu kepada Musa dan pengikut-pengikutnya.  (Allah berfirman):  Ketahuilah sesungguhnya sial dan malang mereka itu adalah ketetapan di sisi Allah tetapi kebanyakan merekat tidak mengetahui.

Tazkirah Ustaz Azahari di CICT 11.9.13


Dari Abdurrahman bin Shakr, Abu Hurairah r.a., dia berkata: Nabi Muhammad s.a.w bersabda:
“Tiga perkara penyelamat, tiga faktor perosak, tiga darjat dan tiga kafarat (penebus dosa). Adapun tiga faktor penyelamat adalah: Takwa kepada Allah SWT dalam kesunyian ataupun di tempat umum, sederhana sama ada dalam keadaan fakir atau kaya dan bersikap adil diwaktu rela ataupun ketika marah. Tiga faktor perosak adalah: Terlalu bakhil dan kedekut, tunduk kepada hawa nafsu dan membanggakan diri sendiri (ujub). Dan tiga perkara dapat mengangkat darjat adalah: Mengucapkan salam, memberi makan dan solat malam ketika orang-orang sedang tidur. Adapun tigak faktor penebus dosa (kafarat) adalah: Menyempurnakan wuduk dalam keadaan cuaca dingin, melangkah kaki menuju solat berjemaah, dan menunggu solat berikutnya setelah solat dilakukan.”

Huraian hadith:

Yang dimaksudkan penyelamat ialah selamat dari siksaan Allah, iaitu dengan:
1. melaksanakan perintah-perintah Allah dan meninggalkan segala larangannya
2. berbelanja mengikut kemampuan dan tanpa membazir
3. jujur secara berterusan

Tazkirah Ustazah Shaharina di CICT UTM 02.10.13

Tafsir Surah An-Nas

–         Surah Makiyah

–         Surah pelindung (muawwizataini)

–         Surah ini menerangkan betapa perlunya manusia kepada Allah sebagai pelindung daripada kejahatan syaitan.  Semua orang ada pendamping iaitu Qarin.  Syaitan itu mengalir dalam tubuh anak Adam seperti mengalirnya darah.  Syaitan sentiasa membisikkan kejahatan dalam tubuh kita.

–         Allahlah pelindung mutlak/hakiki.

–         Dalam 3 ayat pertama surah ini, Allah memperkenalkan diriNya.

–         Rab bererti tuhan yang memelihara dan menguasai manusia.  Hati kita adalah milik Allah.  Segala apa yang ada pada kita adalah pinjaman daripada Allah swt.

Ayat #1: Katakanlah wahai Muhammad, aku berlindung dgn tuhan manusia

Ayat#2: Raja segala manusia

Ayat#3: Tuhan yang disembah oleh manusia

Untuk mendapatkan perlindungan Allah swt,kita mesti yakin dengan ketiga2 ayat di atas ini.

– Syaitan itu diibaratkan seperti duduk bercangkung dalam hati kita.  Setiap kali kita mengingati Allah, dia akan bersembunyi.  Dia keluar apabila kita lalai daripada mengingati Allah swt.

– Jika berlaku sesuatu buruk kepada kita, jangan mencela syaitan kerana ini akan membuatnya semakin bangga.  Sepatutnya kita hendaklah menyebut nama Allah supaya syaitan merasa takut.

– 3 ayatterakhir menceritakan kejahatan syaitan

Ayat #4:Syaitan menggoda secara berbisik dan sifatnya ialah bersembunyi

Ayat#5: Syaitan membisik ke dalam hati manusia

Ayat#6: Syaitan adalah di kalangan jin dan manusia

– Diantarakelebihan surah An-Nas ialah:

1.       Memberi kita perlindungan terutama sebelum tidur

2.       Bagi kaum wanita, baca 1000x.  Ayat ini akan menjadi ayat pengasih, dengan izin Allah.

3.       Allah izinkan syaitan goda manusia untuk menguji kita.  Allah berikan dua permintaan syaitan iaitu dipanjangkan umur hingga hari kiamat dan menyesatkan manusia, kerana Allah tahu hamba-hamba yang beriman tidak akan tergoda. Hamba-hamba yang mencintaiNya sentiasa mengigatiNya.  Mereka sentiasa beristighfar semasa sedih,dan syaitan tidak dapat mengganggu mereka.