Source: https://www.reddit.com/r/science/comments/5y81ix/slug/deo8f3k
Most of what we do every day is performed with little attention and no special effort, because attention and effort are scarce resources. Your “actual self” is how you act when you can’t afford a special effort. Your “best self” is how you can perform when you make an extra effort to improve on the behavior that comes naturally. If your efforts are consistently rewarded, this pattern of reward reprograms your brain, and your “actual self” becomes more like your “best self.” The best relationships are the ones where this process works most smoothly to help you improve your “actual self.”
For example, in work relationships, there is a level of performance that comes easily and naturally, and there is a higher level of performance that you have to stretch to achieve. The best kind of boss or coworker is one who appreciates your efforts to perform better and recognizes and respects better performance when you achieve it. If your boss can’t tell the difference between poor performance and good performance, or your coworkers resent your efforts to perform better, then those relationships aren’t good for you, because they make it very hard to improve.
In intimate relationships, perhaps your current “actual self” is one who shirks housework and gets angry when your partner points it out. Your “best self” is when you make a special effort to do your share of the housework and take criticism over housework naturally. A good relationship is one where your partner reinforces your efforts with positive feedback. A bad relationship would be one where your partner criticizes you just as harshly, or even more harshly, when you invest effort in improving your behavior.
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