Conflict Management

How to deal with conflicts by Arnold Sanow and Sandra Strauss

  • Gather your evidence with concrete examples, if possible of exactly what was said, to whom, and other specifics related to the incident. You’ll stand on much firmer ground with facts rather than hearsay.
  • Whether you can document the situation or must rely on rumors or other reports, discuss the remarks openly with them. Use a calm, gentle tone and ask them to specify whatever accusations they’ve made: “Britney, I’d appreciate you clearing up some confusion. It’s come to my attention that you said (describe the content). Please tell me what you mean.”
  • Give them a graceful exit. If they deny their actions (and they probably will) let it go by saying, “Oh, I’m glad to hear that the information given to me was an exaggeration and you didn’t mean it as criticism.”  This also serves as a subtle warning that you’re on to their games. Don’t argue if they deny their intent to harm.
  • Tell them the behavior you expect in the future. “Next time, let me know exactly how you feel before discussing this with anyone else”
  • If you actually did make a mistake in accusing them of the particular behavior or incident, apologize. Providing an apology is a sign of strength, not weakness.

 Dealing with Conflict By Arnold Sanow

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Kerana ‘Lillah’ supaya tak Lelah

Ceramah dari Ustazah (sorry tak dapat namanya) di radio IKIM pada 27 May, pagi Jumaat. Buat sesuatu tu biarlah niat kita Lillah, iaitu LillahiTalla. Agar kita tak terasa lelah bilah usaha kita tak dipandang dan tak disanjung orang lain.

Katanya lagi, sedangkan rasulullah s.a.w. yang sempurna sifat pun, tak semua orang yang suka pada baginda, inikan pulak kita yang serba-serbi kekurangan.

Moral of the story, don’t waste your energy and effort to please everyone. You can’t achieve such mission. Do things for the sake of Allah. The most important is for Allah to be pleased with you.

Betullah tagline UTM macam tu ‘Kerana Tuhan untuk Manusia’

How to detect Narcissists?

Axl Salvator, Psychologist Specialised On Personality DisordersAnswered 4 years ago · Author has 2.3K answers and 18.7M answer viewsWhat tactics does a narcissist use to manipulate people?

The Manipulation techniques that the narcissist uses to secure the victims trust-love-care-value-respect-commitment-appreciation.

  1. Love Bombing-They will rise the victim to pedestal making him feel special,earning his love,trust,commitment,respect,value,appreciation leaving the victim vulnerable to their charm and love.Basically giving the victim everything that they want and what they need to hear,the victim will drop his guard down and will be convinced that he found his soul mate.He has no idea what will come next and he won’t be ready for it.
  2. Mirroring-A highly manipulative technique used by the Narcissist when they try to secure their Supply.The will basically take your character traits,share your interests,copy your dressing style.Basically with one word they are your other shadow,the victim will be amazed of the things you have in common and how angelic-caring-lovely this catch can be and she is still single and feel the luckiest personality in the world.Basically what the Narcissist is doing he is earning the trust of the victim while hooking him up to their love and care.This opens up the road for the Narcissist when they start to devalue to manipulate you further more with the techniques i will be mentioning below,leaving the victim more hooked on the cycle of abuse.

The Manipulation techniques they use after they secured the love of the victim and they started to devalue.

  1. Devaluation-Once they secured the victims love,trust,value,respect,commitment,appreciation they most likely get bored since they don’t possess the ability to love anyone including themselves or to Empathize with people,they look at people as mere character extensions or objects.The devaluation happens for 2 reasons:1-They simply got bored of you,since they search for drama and excitement and you provide them boredom with your stability and your feelings.2-You saw through that mask or facade and you started rising your opinion while calling them on their actions they now see you as threat to their safety.Once the devalue starts there is no going back,it’s all about the manipulation games to keep the source of supply on the queue.The devaluation is the most eye opening thing that happens to the victim in life,the victim starts to get aware they start to see that the person that they thought they were in love with it never existed,it was an act or illusion presented by the Con Artist(The NPD).The victim has to learn and to find inner strength to move forward,they have to accept the reality that they got manipulated,lied from the Con Artist,they will have severe withdrawal symptoms because of the trauma bond and abuse by the abuser,they will hold on to hope when there is no hope to begin with,they will have to fight constantly with their mindset until they go full No Contact and break off from this abusive drug.
  2. Silent Treatment-When the NPD gets bored from the victim and they start to search for new supplies while devaluing their victim,their biggest weapon is their silence.The silent treatment is a passive aggressive method used by the emotional abuser to neutralize responsibility for their actions,to control the victim further more,to leave the victim confused and to wreck them emotionally.The silent treatment happens when the victim gets the NPD mad calling them on their actions or when the NPD gets bored.The NPD will give you his/her silence to neutralize any attempts of you that you are calling you on their actions,and to come out with a clean slate.This happens when the NPD has secured your love or is on a hunt for new supplies.This can happen gradually or in a one night,it all depends from the abuser,gradually their silence will increase as a form of punishment for being called on their actions.
  3. Diversion aka Stone Walling-Once you start to call them continously on their actions and they refuse everything they will start to get mad and start to punish you not only with their silence but with the Emotional Withhold aka everything that feel’t good for you on the Love Bombing phase.They will withhold emotionally and show no affection at all,you will drive yourself insane,ask them what happened why it happened what did you do,they will never provide any answers,just neutral dull answers,while they enjoy the abuse to the max,every reaction from you will feed them fuel any positive or negative reaction.When you start to ask them do they still feel the same things that they feel’t,they will tell you they don’t know basically leaving you hanging and giving 0 answers.You will ask them what happened they will tell you nothing or i don’t know.When you start bringing the convo about affection they will switch the topic to something else basically they will put a stone wall through you giving 0 answers,the more you seek for closure or answers the less they will give it to you,because that makes them feel power and they will feel important with the control they possess over you.You will leave the conversation more confused and without answers.
  4. Gaslighting aka crazy making at it’s finest-One of their favorite weapon to turn the victim to lunacy leaving them vulnerable and on an emotional wreck.Basically they will slap you today and tell you they didn’t do it tomorrow and act like nothing happened,because deep down inside they know how emotionally you are connected to them and you won’t leave no matter what,because they sniffed your empathic traits while they were testing you on the love bombing phase and trying to see with how much they were able to walk away while crossing your boundaries.You will start to doubt your sanity,your vision because from this point on everything depends to their validation and how they perceive you as a character,because they hooked you up to their love and affection.
  5. Projection aka blame shifting-Once you call them on their actions they will play the victim card come as the innocent one and blame shift it to you basically they will tell you that you are going crazy and they didn’t do tho’s things,and you need to stop overthinking because you will drive yourself nutz.You will end up apologizing for the things that you never said or did and they will be the ones to forgive you.
  6. Discard-Rarely happens by the side of the abuser they like to keep the victims on queue confused for a possible return.Most of the times victims will have enough of the abuse and leave themselves.Most of the times prolonged Silent Treatments are confused with discards. It might rarely happen if the victim is seen as a threat to their safety or mask since they live to keep that mask or facade.
  7. Hoovering-The possible return from the Narcissist to suck you back into the game.They will reappear like nothing happened and try to pick things up where they left them before.They will start to idealize again telling you how much they missed you,they did a mistake,how much you mean’t to them,how stupid they been,they will beg,plead,cling to you so you can take them back since they don’t possess a face or morals.This is an act from the NPD it can happen for a reason basically they are out of new supplies or they wanna test the waters to see if they have an effect to your life.Any reaction from you would feed them fuel or supplies.They might have came for a relationship or a quick fix to make you react.Most of the times if they came for the quick fix they will try to provoke you so you can react in any positive or negative way then they will continue with their silent treatment again.
  8. Smear campaigns and stalking-When toxic types can’t control the way you see yourself, they start to control how others see you; they play the martyr while you’re labeled the toxic one. A smear campaign is a preemptive strike to sabotage your reputation and slander your name so that you won’t have a support network to fall back on lest you decide to detach and cut ties with this toxic person. They may even stalk and harass you or the people you know as a way to supposedly “expose” the truth about you; this exposure acts as a way to hide their own abusive behavior while projecting it onto you.

Some smear campaigns can even work to pit two people or two groups against each other. A victim in an abusive relationship with a narcissist often doesn’t know what’s being said about them during the relationship, but they eventually find out the falsehoods shortly after they’ve been discarded.

Toxic people will gossip behind your back (and in front of your face), slander you to your loved ones or their loved ones, create stories that depict you as the aggressor while they play the victim, and claim that you engaged in the same behaviors that they are afraid you will accuse them of engaging in. They will also methodically, covertly and deliberately abuse you so they can use your reactions as a way to prove that they are the so-called “victims” of your abuse.

The best way to handle a smear campaign is to stay mindful of your reactions and stick to the facts. This is especially pertinent for high-conflict divorces with narcissists who may use your reactions to their provocations against you. Document any form of harassment, cyberbullying or stalking incidents and always speak to your narcissist through a lawyer whenever possible. You may wish to take legal action if you feel the stalking and harassment is getting out of control; finding a lawyer who is well-versed in Narcissistic Personality Disorder is crucial if that’s the case. Your character and integrity will speak for itself when the narcissist’s false mask begins to slip.

  1. Triangulation-Bringing in the opinion, perspective or suggested threat of another person into the dynamic of an interaction is known as ‘’triangulation’’. Often used to validate the toxic person’s abuse while invalidating the victim’s reactions to abuse, triangulation can also work to manufacture love triangles that leave you feeling unhinged and insecure.

Malignant narcissists love to triangulate their significant other with strangers, co-workers, ex-partners, friends and even family members in order to evoke jealousy and uncertainty in you. They also use the opinions of others to validate their point of view.

This is a diversionary tactic meant to pull your attention away from their abusive behavior and into a false image of them as a desirable, sought after person. It also leaves you questioning yourself – if Mary did agree with Tom, doesn’t that mean that you must be wrong? The truth is, narcissists love to “report back” falsehoods about others say about you, when in fact, they are the ones smearing you.

To resist triangulation tactics, realize that whoever the narcissist is triangulating with is also being triangulated by your relationship with the narcissist as well. Everyone is essentially being played by this one person. Reverse “triangulate” the narcissist by gaining support from a third party that is not under the narcissist’s influence – and also by seeking your own validation.

When you are the victim of narcissists, help yourself first before attempting to help them. The victims can be badly hit emotionally.

Be yourself and never give in

Lesson to learn from Money Heist, season 5, is you have to remain calm, be yourself and don’t think about giving in when you are in a crisis. In one episode, there were two gangs with gunpoint at each other. None retracted their gun, because once they gave in, they would lose. As long as they did not give in, they had a chance to win. In that kind of situation, it is either both win or both lose. And, you choose to win or to lose.

Cheer up when you are under attacked.

When people start attacking you, take it as a good sign. People will attack you when they don’t feel secure. Feeling insecurity can be caused by many factors. Some of the reasons I can think of are

  1. your enemy cannot find faults in you
  2. you ignore their existence
  3. you hold tight to your principles no matter who they are
  4. your enemy finds that they cannot use you

The enemy wouldn’t be attacking you if something very valuable wasn’t inside of you. You have got purpose!

Kimberly Jones – Pothier

Should we stay away from negative people? NO, keep them around.

Many motivators will tell us to stay away from negative people. I would agree with them. Negative people will drag you down with them. But, giving the second thought, I believe we need negative people around us to keep us moving and getting better.

Whenever I want to do something, I would always have the negative people in my mind. I would imagine what would they say, their criticisms and their disapproval. Those will lead me to take precaution steps, to minimise the loopholes. Nevertheless, unlike negative people, positive people know the limit of their ability and they believe there is still room for improvement. They are not afraid of making mistakes as Jack Ma said, we learn from mistakes and learn from other people’s mistakes. The most important thing is how we progress in our life and keep in mind that perfection is beyond the reach of humankind (Albus Dumbledore – Harry Potter).

Pray good things for others

Do you like watching Running Men, the Korean reality series? Watching this program will enable you to study the Korean culture. What stroke me while watching this program was Koreans always wish good things for others, for example, wish businesses go well, wish good health and long life for others. I remind myself to pray and wish good things for others and maybe that is the least I could offer.

When we pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them.

So when you are safe and happy, remember that someone is praying for you.

Moral compass

If you have a moral compass, and you stay with it, people will always gravitate towards you

Carol Alt

Moral compass is used in reference to a person’s ability to judge what is right and wrong and act accordingly. And the moral compass distinguishes human beings from animals, as mentioned in the Al-Quran, unlike animals, men are given brain to enable them to differentiate between right and wrong.